Hurting the Ones You Love, Isaan Thailand.

What I blog about today I am not proud of. I always try and write the truth and this means at times it is of something I am not proud of. But it is life in Thailand and what happens in my daily life. It involves my amazing niece Nong Ja who most of you know if you visit this blog.

The last few days have been hard. Ja has not been well and my patience is short. I have never really lost my temper or patience with my niece Nong Ja before, there have been times where she has been smacked for being naughty or doing something wrong.

This all started last Thursday evening. Ja was being her usual self chatting away, playing and then asked me to put on a cartoon for her. So she jumped onto the bed and I set the cartoon up and she settled down to watch it.

I was alerted to, “Jay (as she calls me) look at Tom or Jerry, she would burst out laughing and tell me what had happened.

I kept working away at the computer and I didn’t notice that all had gone quiet. When I realised that it was so quiet and looked around, Ja was missing.

So I hopped up and went out into the lounge room and there she was propped up next to Noot. She had a sombre look on her face and just didn’t look herself.

I asked Noot, “when did she come out?” The reply was that she wandered out, hopped up onto the couch and hadn’t said a word.

Silence from Ja always worries me as she isn’t a kid that is quiet, she likes to be doing things and you hardly get a moment of peace. Below is Ja a few days ago playing with her hula hoop. It isn’t anything exciting just Ja being Ja and Miss Noot makes a brief appearance.

Anyway, we couldn’t get a word out of her, she wouldn’t say if she had a stomach ache or something else. So this kept me on watch then. She did get a little bit of a temperature here and there through the night, but hardly anything.

Come Friday I had to go off to the school, I returned around midday and Ja looked terrible, she just looked miserable. Noot said she had eaten a little but was virtually silent all day. She didn’t have a runny nose or a cough but her temperature was going up and down a little.

About 6pm, we decided to take her to the clinic not far from our house, Noot diagnosed it as being a cold as the weather had been cold at night but pretty warm through the day these last few days, saying the temperature changes brought the illness on.

I laughed at this idea; as if kids got sick every time the temperature fluctuated here in Thailand it would mean a lot of sick days. I had no idea and was stumped. I had suggested the Isaan mushroom dish she had had for dinner on Thursday evening was the cause but this was rubbished by the girls.

So off to the clinic, the doctor said exactly what Noot said, “the temperature changes, from very cool to hot was the cause.”

Now I wanted to say, “Oh for fuc#s sake! Are you shitting me?” But I didn’t and I smiled, actually I think I laughed aloud.

So we were told to monitor her temperature and if any other problems to ring her anythime.

I blogged a little while back about how Ja stopped wanting to take her medicines when needed. Out of nowhere she just decided that she was not going to take anything offered to her. This has continued and trying to get meds into her is a nightmare.

Last time Ja had a cold, a very bad cough and runny nose, we could not get her to take any medicine, we had tried everything suggested on the internet and also suggested from friends. All very frustrating and it meant that Ja had to have three days in a row of having a needle jabbed into her.

So Friday passed into Saturday, Ja slept restlessly all night. She slept but with the odd bout of talking and rolling about the bed. Saturday she still looked terrible. Her eyes looked heavy, so tired but she had slept so much the day before and night.

Ja was eating, not a lot but eating here and there throughout the day. She drank plenty of fluids so I wasn’t so worried.

She had become very clingy to Noot, she wanted Noot near her all the time. She became upset if Ben or I were left alone with her. If Noot went to the toilet of for a shower Ja would cry and wail for her.

This carried on into Sunday, Noot was tired and frustrated. I had given Noot a rest here and there as when I walk out the door Ja is straight onto where I was going and of course wanting to go too.

Each trip was quick as Ja would quickly want to head home to see Noot, she would start a slow low whining of, “I want Noot, I want to see Noot.”

By Sunday afternoon I was at the end of my tether, and I am not proud of this. Ja was really getting to me. I am embarrassed to admit this as I am supposed to be the adult and she is just an off colour little 2yo girl.

For the first time, ever, since I have been lucky enough to have Ja in my life, I lost it with her. I yelled at her with anger, horrible anger. And it brings tears to my eyes as I sit and write about this, thinking about it.

One time when Noot had gone out to an appointment for her skin therapy, Ja had fallen asleep, so Noot scurried off for the appointment early. About half an hour later Ja awoke and instantly started calling for Noot.

I went to her and she said. “Go away, where is Noot? I want Noot.” And this was repeated over and over again. I had picked her up and tried to comfort her, take her attention off of Noot by feeding the fish, let’s go for a walk, watch a cartoon, play a game but all fell on deaf ears.

After what seemed a long time but more than likely wasn’t; I am ashamed to say I yelled at her. No, I screamed at her in absolute anger and rage.

“Ja, shut up! Noot is not hear. Shut up! Stop it.” I screamed. This has happened a few times the last few days.

This of course didn’t make things better, she continued to cry. And for the first time I could see that she was scared, or looked scared as I had never yelled like this and I am sure Ja seeing me lose it was scary.

Noot finally arrived home, I handed Ja over and left for the bedroom as I was hurt, embarrassed, angry just to say a few of the things I was feeling.

And like a big girl (no offence meant to women) I sat in the bedroom and sobbed like a fool, I was crying I think because of my behaviour and losing it at Ja, who I love so dearly.

Ja continued her funny behaviour into Sunday evening, Noot was tired and on edge, Ben and I were trying to make Ja happy and give Noot relief but not with much luck.

Come Monday, yesterday Ja continued with her behaviour. Noot tried to make breakfast and Ja called and called for her. I went to her but again was rejected, told to go away and that she wanted Noot.

I am not angry at this, Ja wasn’t right and you could see this. She is a little girl that is sick, as simple as that and I couldn’t help no matter how I tried. This is Ja today, a scratchy and husky voice but the most talkative she has been.

Come yesterday afternoon, I mentioned to Noot that there was noway this was a bloody cold or flu. It had to be something else but I had no idea what. It had been 4 days and Ja had not picked up at all. She still looked miserable.

Monday evening, Noot called Ja’s dad and they took her to see the paediatrician at the hospital, I will admit that I had yelled at Noot early in the evening, “Can’t you see she is not right? Don’t you care about her?” Just a few things that fell out my big mouth that evening.

So they went to the hospital, and were gone a long time. I called once and Noot said they would be home soon. They arrived home and the dictionary on the iPhone was needed.

And the doctor at the hospital had diagnosed German Measles, I had trouble believing this as there was no rash that I could see. I went straight onto the internet to see the symptoms and treatment. Ja had been immunised, well had her first injection as her second was due in a few months.

Noot had pointed out a few small marks here and there on Ja but I associated German Measles as an awful rash covering the body. (writing this today being Tuesday the rash has really started coming out) So the week before the rash the symptoms of a cold were pretty well spot on. I am pissed, very pissed at the fuc#en doctor but again should have she been able to diagnose German Measles last Thurday. I am doing some reading as if she fuc$ed up she will know about it in a farang rage.

I am so happy that we know what is wrong, and I can boast and say that it was a load of shit the temperature change crap that was suggested and I bagged. What is frustrating is not being able to do anything for German Measles.

But what concerns me is this. My anger directed at a sick little girl. There are no excuses, not one reason I can think of. I could make up a load of shit and say, “I was tired, mentally drained” and so on but these would all be just a pathetic excuse.

I feel repulsed at how I acted at times as I sit and recall these past few days. My poor little girl has measles, she doesn’t understand what is going on, she is sick, feeling down and she has had a person who is meant to love her above anything else, screaming at her.

I am not looking for sympathy or kind words from anyone, not at all. I just want to write about it, let it out as the past few days have been hard, that includes today and will probably be tomorrow as well.

Today the rash has come out, Ja is sleeping a lot, she is still clinging to Noot and we are all tired and short. Seeing Noot yell at Ja hurts me as they are inseparable and Noot loves her to death, but things are trying, we are trying to just make it easier on Ja, make her happy and as comfortable as can be.

Right now, Ja is glued to Noot on the couch, falling in and out of short naps. When she wakes she wails, small low cries. At this exact moment 12 O’clock she is telling Noot to leave her alone.

I am staying around the edges, just watching and staying out of the way. I look forward to the old Ja back as soon as possible.

Brunty

P.S. I almost forgot I also did this in my time of stupidity. When I was in my room I punched my wall. It is a good wall to punch as it is solid brick. I cannot even remember the last time I did something as stupid as this. Maybe back when I was a teenager.

P.S.S Noot just called out to me; I was getting ready to post this blog. I walked out into the lounge room and asked her what she wanted. She nods her head towards Ja. I look at her with a stupid look as I am not sure what I am meant to be looking at.

Noot then said, “she is standing up and walking on her own,” this was for the first time in days. This was big for Noot who for days has had her attached to her nearly 24hrs a day.

I didn’t approve of the snack she was having but was not going to risk trying to take it away from her.

Brunty

P.S.S.S - Ja is chatting up a storm with Noot watching Popeye and eating her dinner. I am a very happy camper.